“Tell me about the guy you’re dating.”

That’s what I ask my nieces when they’re standing in front of my camera. And a divorced friend of mine who’s dating again. Everyone else gets asked about the new job, the kids, or how their day actually went. Most people go stiff the second the lens points at them. Shoulders up, chin at some angle they saw on Instagram, a smile that stops at the teeth. Then I ask my question, and for a moment they forget I’m holding a camera at all. Some light up with a huge smile they didn’t plan. Some go a little shy and look down for half a second. Either way, that’s the picture. That’s their real face.

I’ve been doing this since I was a young teenager in Dalarna, when my mom’s cousin gave me an old Hasselblad. If you don’t know the name, Hasselblad is a Swedish camera, made in Gothenburg, and it’s the camera NASA took to the Moon in 1969. There are still twelve Hasselblad camera bodies up there, because the astronauts left them behind and only brought the film home. So yes, I was a kid in a small place in Sweden walking around with a legend around my neck, and I knew it.

Today I shoot with a modern digital camera and have my own studio at home, lights, backdrops, all of it. My models are my dogs, my family, friends and relatives, some more willing than others.😁

What photography taught me early is that you don’t get anything real out of people by telling them what to do. ”Relax” has never relaxed anyone. You get it by being curious about them. Ask about their life, their day, the person they’re dating, the things they enjoy to do and then watch. The question is only half of it. The other half is what happens on their face before they decide what to say.

It’s the same skill I’ve used my whole career, and it’s what I tell my clients to do. "Come from a place of curiosity". It works for almost everything - feedback, negotiations, conflicts, new and old relationships...

Ask a VP how the reorg is going and you get the official answer, the one he’s already given three times this week. Ask him which person on his team he’d fight to keep, and watch. The real smile, or the half second of hesitation, tells you what he cares about, what he’s protecting, and what he’ll never say in a meeting. That’s the information you need before you try to influence anybody. Who actually decides. What they’re worried about. What they want so badly they won’t say it out loud.

Most senior leaders stop asking these questions somewhere along the way. They’re busy, they think they already know the people around them, and they got promoted for having the answers. So they walk into the room with a strong argument and no idea what anyone in it actually wants.

I’ve run organizations, and the most useful information I ever got almost never came from a report. It came from asking someone a real question and watching their face while they answered.

I still learn more from the half second before someone answers than from anything they say after. /Ulrika